I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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