dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
