Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
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