We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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