I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
