Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
