I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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