it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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