It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
