Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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