i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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