pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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