i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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