I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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