it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
