What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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