Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
