I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
