What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
