turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
