Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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