Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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