a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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