Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
