I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
