I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
