I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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