Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
