Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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