You don't have asthma, your pregnant
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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