I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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