I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
