I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
