I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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