Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
