Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
