as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
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Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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