i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
