I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
