Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
