totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
