I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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