I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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