Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Randomize
