You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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