if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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