My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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