I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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