maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
