I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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