I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
