I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
