I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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