East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
