The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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