Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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