so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Well I just put wine in my tea
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
