I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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