True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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